'Our natural wonder child is present when we meet an old friend, when we belly laugh, when we are creative and spontaneous, when we are in awe at a wondrous sight' - John Bradshaw
We begin with what did you enjoy doing most when you were young?
By answering this question, we can anchor our bodies into something more grounding before we launch into upsetting experiences. We can do the work to train our nervous to regulate and tolerate moving back and forth between two states for instance happiness versus sadness, being able to experience both states, survive the uncomfortable with the safety of an anchor in time to ground back to. We can use this ability time and again.
1. Remember your first or earliest memory of something you enjoyed, a moment you felt happy, comforted, safe, who with, when, how old you were example: I remember visiting a friend and their mum was so nice, we had ice cream it tasted delicious
Lean into how you felt, what you may have been thinking or any organic thoughts sensations which come to mind when thinking about that moment in time. (if you can remember, it doesnt matter if you can't right now. Lots of us have fragmented memories or no memories at all). The important thing is making a start.
2. Begin to consider how you can to reintroduce this into your current life in small ways and write some suggestions of how you could do this in your week example: I can take myself for icecream this weekend or buy myself one (diary free if now necessary!)
Introduce one small thing from your example, something achieveable. Lean into how it feels to think about the prospect of giving yourself something which made you happy when you were younger and lean in again when you give yourself the experience of it. Some of us may remember creamed rice was very comforting to us as a child or the park, woods, cycling, films etc whatever it was for you begin to think about how you could reintegrate it into your life in a small way even once and check in with your body to see how it feels. As we begin to give ourselves something we need, we begin to learn to trust ourselves to show up for ourselves.
Having reflected on the first two questions (this can be over a couple of days, weeks or months) the next next tool you can move onto when you are ready is Learn to ID My Needs.
Many of us are hidden under layers of core conditioning, emotional wounds and experiences which has left us out of touch with who we truly are. Many of us believe who we are is what we feel i.e. I feel angry = 'I am' angry or 'I am an angry person' versus what we feel is separate from who we are.
Core conditions of worth or core beliefs are handed down to us generationally through our family systems. These conditions and beliefs form our patterns or templates (ways of being) in relationships which we think are normal because its 'what we know'. Often these are wrecking havoc with our lives and we don't even know they exist because we are not conscious of them. For insance the words heard as a child to 'don't let your father hear that' can mean a variety of things to a child and as we grow into our adult child we still believe whatever message we got from that at the time. We learn a lot about people in relationships, what we can tell them and what we can't, whether we can trust or not - the list is endless, this is just one example. We also create a lot of fantasy as children and as adults still believe in our fantasy thoughts and beliefs - tricky!
We can create who we are by finding out who we were before all the generational programming or conditioning. This is a big peice of work in our journey, with many layers so the tool below is just to get you started. Its a practice and a process not a quick fix.
Studies of the mind and epigenetics show we can change our neuro pathways, our very cells by our thoughts, what we believe and what we subsequently feel. Journally about who we want to be fires up those neural pathways toward a more fulfilling tomorrow. Literally helping us consiously create who we want to become and who we always were! Writing about who we were before will help us get to know our true selves making the roadway ahead easier
Perhaps you would like to talk, find out more, explore if individual therapy or couples counselling is for you, please contact me confidentially and without obligation.
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